I have a problem with people.
And I mean like in general. Everyone. Those around all the time as those whom I see on rare occasions. Family, friends, classmates, teachers, the cashier in the grocery store, the people in the bus, random people in the street.. They all make me feel so uncomfortable I could rip out my own hair and eat it.
And I don’t know why that is. I don’t know why being around people causes me so much pain and so much discomfort and makes me so aware of my body and my mind and how I am so limited in my abilities to understand how things work and how I could never see the world through someone else’s eyes. I feel as though everyone sees something that makes them understand things and I just can’t see it no matter how I tried.
My head hurts. This is the first time I’m acknowledging that I have this problem. I’m not sure if anyone can relate or is it just me? Ah, the madness!
Right, so, I’m not mad, am I? But how can I just feel weirdly uncomfortable all of the time? Particularly when I’m communicating with people, or even when I’m observing people going about life without even talking to them. I feel like I am mad, though, because I just don’t know why it bothers me so much. Why can’t I understand the possibility of another human being, another life, that is completely separate from mine, a person who cannot possibly feel the same pain I feel when I cut my finger, no matter how hard I try to describe it through words? Who cannot look inside my head and know what I’m thinking? And vice-versa, I can’t feel people the way I can feel myself. I cannot understand how people can hate each other. I cannot understand how a young guy can sit in a bus while an old lady stands. I cannot understand how people’s understandings of things can be polar opposites, and why they never seem come to a common ground after arguing and arguing for hours nonstop. Why is controversy a thing? Why is stigma a thing? Why is hate a thing? Why is miscommunication and misunderstanding a thing? Why is there always the risk of someone misunderstanding me, misjudging me?
I am so often scared of people’s eyes on me. Their gaze feels like x-rays, stripping me of clothes and flesh and bones and leaving nothing but my naked, unprotected soul, judging it, mocking it, with foul, triumphant smiles stretched over their cruel faces. But this isn’t true. No one cares I exist. No one remembers they have exchanged eye-contact with me across the hall. My teacher doesn’t care that I got a question wrong. But I do. I remember everything and everything haunts me. I remember every remark, every grimace, every tone a teacher makes when addressing me. And I dwell on it, for days, until I’m half mad. I talk to my friends and feel distant and start questioning my entire existence. If no one cared that I exist, would I exist at all?
I really, genuinely think I have a problem and if I don’t seek help one of these days I’m going to scream out and flip out on everyone I know and isolate myself for the rest of my life. But, then again, I don’t like it when I’m not alone. I’m an extroverted introvert, that’s how I identify as on the personality spectrum, and it’s a struggle. I lose energy when I’m with people, and I know this, so I try to stay away, but even then I can’t stop thinking about people and wishing I had someone to be with. So, I can never be happy, I can never find a balance. What am I to make of this mess?
How do I live?