I don’t know what I’m feeling, as I haven’t for what should now be a few months or even a few years. I haven’t been feeling present, like I’m not quite there, like I’m not living in the moment anymore. Sometimes I think I’m depressed, sometimes I feel like I’m going mad, sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again.
I think about it now and it’s so weird because at times I listen to a sad song or read a sad book and it would just tumble down on me, this huge puddle of stinky sadness, and at other times I’d involuntarily have a flashback of a good or a bad memory and it would rip open all the wounds I’ve been trying to sew back into place for the last few weeks, and all the pain would spill out and I’d freak out, not knowing what to do with myself or how to deal with my head from there on. And then there’s that awful, dreadful bucket of profuse sadness that falls down on me the moment I open my eyes to the light of the late morning sun. I’d feel bad about sleeping in, even though it’s summer and I have nothing to wake up early to, but I’d still feel like absolute crap every goddamn morning and I still don’t know why. I guess it’s the 8 months of college that I spent hating myself that still got their hold on me, because you know, it’s scientifically proven that the human brain has a tendency to stick to obsessive trails of thoughts and keep repeating them even when the situation is not the same anymore. I think this is what’s going on with me right now, at least, that’s what I can make out of it.
I’ll be okay, though. Posts like this one, I can tell, will have a habit of turning up on my blog more often than before, but it’s okay because writing helps me deal with things better. It gets stuff out of my head and organizes the mess and incoherence a bit.
I hope everyone is having a good time and a good life.
Until next time.<3