Hey, hello, hi!
This feels weird.
I haven’t blogged since September.
Life is weird. It’s so strange. It makes us abandon the things we love most in order to do stuff we don’t really enjoy all that much but feel obliged to do, just because it can, and it likes being a dick to most of us sometimes.
Sigh. Man, I am so tired.
For the last couple of months I have been struggling with college. It’s not as easy as I thought it would be. I mean, I wasn’t expecting it to be so completely easy, but hey, this is my blog, I get to complain. It’s like this continuous stream of homework, lessons, projects, finals, exams, essays, oral presentations and just shit coming at ya from everywhere and it never seems to stop. I can’t remember the last time I was able to sleep well, or do something I like doing without feeling bad about wasting time not studying for the exam I have coming up next. It’s like I have this little voice at the back of my head constantly worrying about exams and deadlines and it gives me so much anxiety. It never leaves me alone. And with procrastination, I mean I’m not even going to try to explain to you what hellish madness I’ve been going through.
And I also don’t really enjoy what I’m studying all that much. But that’s a subject for another time.
I just miss the feeling of calmness. Of having a clear mind. I miss waking up in the morning feeling refreshed, excited for a new day, opening my windows to let in the warm sunlight, preparing a delicious breakfast, reading a book by the window with a cup of herbal tea and some chocolate cake, or challenging myself to write the next thousand words in my book in one go. Those are the things I want to spend my life doing. Those are the things that make me want to get out of bed every morning.
But right now, college is making me not so happy about the mere fact that I exist. I don’t know if it’s supposed to do that or not, but right now, in the meantime that my peers and classmates are enjoying their time studying maths and Algebra, being their Erudite self they’ve always wanted to be, working their way into becoming the engineers and programmers they’ve always wanted to be, I’m here writing this post, dwelling in this ever so consuming existential crisis that never seems to want to end.